4/52: Show Me the Way

National borders are the corporate constructs of a failing enterprise
We pledge our fealty to the institutions that bargain lands and goods with human lives
Bombing missions and carbon emissions buy our admission to a flooded future
Empty divisions like nationalism paint dark, splattered visions like shredded sutures

Dear Internauts,

On Thursday, I went to the open mic held at Patterson Creations in Attleboro, MA which looks a little something like this:

While there I played a few songs and listened to some cool music, as well as got a chance to meet with Jermaine Patterson, the owner, who has developed the space with a goal toward promoting the arts and artists. He spoke of going to clubs and venues and making note of whatever he wished was there as a way to continually design this space into something better. He and the other musicians there were very encouraging, though it's obvious the place needs to be found by more people. They have plenty of different events going on, so please check it out.

To give you a sense of the time 'twas had, here are a few quick doodles I penned while trying to remember the words for the songs I might play:

 This past week, I also went to a job fair. It was small and crowded, and as with pretty much any job fair, made me feel like I was getting stitches with steel wool on the inside of my ribs.

I did have one interview, which turned into me planning a trip to the DMV tomorrow to take a test for a specific kind of driving certificate so that I can maybe become a temporary substitute van driver. 

Also, I saw the film Twentieth Century Women, written and directed by Mike Mills, which was absolutely charming. One of those rare dramas that allows its cast to fully inhabit imperfect characters, both addressing and disregarding expected roles and decisions. 

Still no word on insurance yet, but I was able to get some meds for a short while. The hope is that I'll be able to do all such adult things like get a job and insurance in order to pay for the meds that will enable me to be sane enough to do all such adult things. 

Honesty, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but in some ways I think we could all benefit from a psychotic break. Having the chance to be stripped of all sense of self and normal emotional function is a good way to finally prioritize. We act like maturity is some kind of armor, but really the idea that one needs to constantly be wearing this heavy armor against the world or if one has it held on for them like a shield are both great ways to avoid growing up. Such confines stunt your growth. Thinking that whatever comes after me is okay because I have such and such a mantra about peace or faith or hope or the inherent goodness of humanity can be helpful. However, at some point, we all likely face a situation that is too much for our self-assurances. We're back into a wall and realize that no matter what we may believe about ourselves or the abstract "world" out there, sometimes what we face can never be made to be or even seem okay. 

My whole life, there have been adults looking down at me and telling me that whenever I face trouble in life, I just need to have more faith. I just need to pray more or study the bible more or give more of my money or time to some program. There's the solution. Or maybe I should work harder in school or

listen more to my superiors or my peers or to the vague, quite changeable idea of god. Nothing I could ever do or achieve would ever be enough to solve any problem I faced, while with every new problem the answer was always to do or achieve more and more and more and more and more.

When I've been most depressed, it wasn't trying to put on a brave face that lost me friends. People don't want real nearly as much as they say they do. I'd get messages from folks I thought had no issue with me just for them to tell me how much they hated how sad I always seemed. Only years later did a doctor finally tell me there was something medically wrong with me. For the longest time, I thought I simply wasn't displaying the joy of the lord strongly enough. And no matter how hard you work at it, even depression is gonna make it next to impossible to pretend at happiness.

I wanted to make the comparison to a physical illness. I could write something about how when you're sick in any other part of your body no one tells you how much they dislike how broken-legged you are all the time. Except, of course, that's not true is it? Not every building has wheelchair accessibility. Being chronically tired or in pain is very damaging to any kind of interpersonal relationships. It would be so much easier for everyone if we could only be sick on their time scale and in ways that they understood.

But we're not. We can't be. We won't ever be easy for others to understand. I don't get you the way you wish I did. Even the simplest things can get boggled up in my brain and spill out horribly if I can even get anything close to words out at all. Humanity is innately community-based both in our need for one another and our need to differentiate from one to another.

After taking the test tomorrow,  I'll be trying out another open mic. The key is to keep playing, to keep reminding myself that despite all the ways in which I don't fit in with the puzzle of human society, I can write and perform a few songs that might mean something to somebody. So I'll keep trying to be more me. How about you?

I know this week's post is a bit more scattered and short than many before. Trying to keep a regular schedule doesn't always mean I have anything much to say. Though I can touch on different topics of pop culture, politics, etc, I'm not sure how much my voice won't just be another bit of spitting in the wind. Feel free to let me know if there's ever anything you'd like me to touch on, contact me whenever at odistabettor@gmail.com; twitter.com/odistabettor; facebook.com/odistabettormusic; or through the comments below. As always, I'm just trying to figure my way from one moment to the next, still writing songs and stories, still looking for art and meaning. Still hoping there's notch in this rock I can use for a handhold. 

- Odist

#NoBanNoWall