"If it's me against me, one of us ain't gonna survive."
-Lupe Fiasco
Dear Internauts,
Does it count as hypocritical if the double standard is just on two different parts of myself?
This is what wikiquote had to say when I googled "personal responsibility" (because that's the level of research quality you've come to know and expect from this blogger):
Personal responsibility or Individual Responsibility
is the idea that human beings choose, instigate, or otherwise cause
their own actions. A corollary idea is that because we cause our
actions, we can be held morally accountable or legally liable.
Okay, so free will is a thing, right? Or at least if it's not, it doesn't much matter, 'cause I'll act like it is anyway. I choose to believe I have a choice.
When I take responsibility for my actions, the one to whom I'm ultimately responsible is myself.
Unlike everything I thought would be most different about adulthood, the one thing I didn't expect was how much no one really cares what I do or say or think about anything. Even in this bright new age of share culture, the amount of content I produce is filtered not for quality so much as for the time and attention span of discerning, respectable, and ridiculously attractive folk like yourself, dear reader. There's just so much out here.
(I don't know about you, but I'm dying of thirst in the midst of floodwaters. I'll take anything from political flame wars to disaster porn to the most spoilerific plot speculation so long as you can compress that chunk of funk into a bite-size ember of empty brain calories.)
While I'd maybe prefer to think of myself as someone who lives up to my ideals, I'm more someone whose ideals stand back and not-so-quietly critique my living. My understanding of Kant is based on vague memories of readings I skimmed and classes I dosed through back in at most recent 2011. Even so, the whole categorical imperative thing made me kinda nauseous back then. Still does. If there are ways in which people should act in all circumstances, even in the most broad and reason-based sense, there's a problem that arises from our individuality. My reasoning is rarely up to the kind of snuff any sensible person might chew, yet I feel an intense sense of obligation that connects my emotions and my favorite catchy tunes of basic morality.
When I'm not too busy beating myself up or eating my emotions to care, I have this personality-sized tumor of a jones for a hero complex. I carry my perspective about the goings-on in the world in a backpack to take out and shuffle when I hear the headlines on NPR. Instead of crashing into the day senses first, I experience tunnel vision from my own Cask of Amontillado-esque corner of the baggage department.
And yes, it not only stems but overflows from my religious upbringing.
I sure as hell hope this isn't the human condition, but my condition (one of many) is a sense that my motivation through ever role I've ever played has been I don't have a choice in the matter. I have to act this way, have to feel this way, have to say this thing or not say anything. It's claustrophobic, but it's also unexpectedly malleable.
'Cause folks, listen up—the thing about feeling like I "ought" to be a certain kind of person is how often the only aspect of that person I've been 100% sure of was how NOT that person I am. This pursuit of a moral standard based around an avatar of righteousness is necessarily nebulous. The opposing force is presented as legalism so as to give the appearance of compassion.
It's not that hard to seem merciful with the blade when you're the executioner. Plus, sometimes the only difference between symptoms and side-effects can be the price tag.
I continue to see myself as less of a person when looking through a lens handed to me by those no longer in my life. That's an infection. That's a contagion. That's a complex of inadequacy that has less and less to do with reality the less and less I buy into the moral framework upon which it's built.
If I am the arbiter of my actions, then I also must be the framer of my motivations. I don't mean must as in should or ought to. I mean that the posturing or gesturing of social behavior is self-destructive. The very act of interaction is self-destructive unless motivation matches up with intention. (Actual action is important, but not as important as intention.)
In a broad sense this is why laws will never be enough to shape the morals of a society. If the only reason I do or don't do something is from fear of punishment—be that humiliation, incarceration, or damnation—than all it takes is a might of desire and a mite of opportunity to beat that fear down to not-my-problem. If only beating my fear of standing up to someone spouting hate was as easy as beating my fear of reprisal for spouting hate. Either way, though, that's still placing responsibility for my actions on the shoulders of others.
I like to think that I didn't come into the world owing anyone anything. That is by no means the same as saying I think I got anywhere by my own strength alone. Societal causality exists, despite what you may have heard from those who can actually afford to put their money where their foot is. I know that I have opportunities, privileges, securities, and much MUCH more that I wouldn't have if I'd been born any different. Sacrifices are made to this day by folks who care enough about me to help my clumsy self out of every pitfall. And I'm grateful to those people. And my gratitude goes to those people.
There is no cosmic karmic scale by which we are constantly found wanting. You can't have an all powerful force that you thank for all the good in your life without having to do something with all the bad. Whatever your personal coping mechanism is, I won't fault you or attack you. That's your business and I'm just glad you found a way to cope. However, whatever we say our moral philosophy is, the day-to-day necessities of life requires us to have a practical responsibility to ourselves. That is to say you don't owe anyone your self-loathing.
You don't owe anyone your feeling of worthlessness because you don't measure up to someone else's manipulative standard of perfect behavior.
Yes, this is as much a personal ideological choice to believe in a subjective reality as any kind of faith you'll find. I get that. There are a great many folks who find more validation in believing that a moral compass exists and should be adhered to from outside of the adherent, often without question. If a morality stems from a force of ultimate good, then it too must be good.
I think history has enough examples of why the individual is still the one who makes the choice of execution when it comes to following whatever code. It's not just a matter of picking and choosing or even academic interpretation. You and I get to decide for ourselves what it means to be good or bad and why that matters to us as individuals unto ourselves and as members of whatever communities we inhabit. Some communities you don't get to choose to be a part of, but you do get to choose how you're a part of them.
If the individuals in a group don't want that group to function a certain way, continuing to function that way out of loyalty to a code separate from the will of the individuals is not only asinine but also a quick path to the end of that group. Whether it be the electoral college versus the popular vote or some executive federal decision versus that of local governments or the personal moral conviction of one friend/family member versus the traditions/customs of the others.
Amazing things can be accomplished when we work together, but that "we" includes every single individual. We can change. We can influence and be influenced. We can share and think and be uncertain. That's great!
Be uncertain.
But be certain, too.
And that's enough of me telling you what to do. I just think I've acted enough out of a position of my uncertainty in the face of other people's certainty. When it comes to my life and my standards, though, I have an "at the end of the day" kinda philosophy.
I'll have to face myself. So what's the point in hating myself?
Thanks for reading,
Odist
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