Bread and Dreams

Fighting back isn’t the same as equality, and you don’t make a better world by playing by the same rules of the broken world.

If life’s a game, it’s fixed and we’re all gonna lose, so why not play the game you want to play and laugh at the world with its silly rules.

For your immigrant great-grandparents who worked so hard to make a better life for you just so you could ruin it by dropping out of college and pursuing art, raise the middle finger of love. Ghosts can go fuck themselves, and the past can die, for there has been no one in the history of humanity who has not at some point been unsatisfied with simply surviving.

Maybe when you’re running from a tiger or ducking in a bunker or slaving in the fields or watching the clock behind a desk you forget to let yourself get angrily existential, but there will be lonely nights.

There will be nights when the weight of all your years have added up to will come rushing up and form a lump in your throat. There will be nights when you want so bad to quit your job but the rumbling in your stomach, the leak in your roof, or the crying infant down the hall just won’t let you.

You will be told that it is a brave sacrifice to be a cog in the machine.

You will be told that this is life and we must make the best of it.

You will be sold to, lied to, advertised to.

You will be a number on a spreadsheet, a statistic of the times, and if anyone notices you at all, it will usually be for some way you inconvenienced them.

I urge you, however, when the tide of this human waste pile comes rolling over you, do not charge at it in anger. Turn to your left or to your right, look up, look down, and just go some other way.

For the wave of history will always wash over you, crashing and filling up your nostrils with its suffocating, salty weight. Whether it be going along for now or leaving altogether or simply taking each moment as it comes, whether in quiet rebellion of secret wild thoughts or in open defiance of all that civilization has built, I urge you not to underestimate “the way things are”.

Instead, I would dare you to let things be as they may be and know you are not slave to them even so. For when you die, and you will die as all things do, you can laugh at those who will matter the suit you wear at your own funeral.

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more music coming soon. i know it's been over a month and the whole once a month thing isn't gonna be what it's gonna be, but should art really ever come on a schedule? i am getting together with my engineer soon as our lives coincide, okay? okay.

ima be way too honest for a second

dear internauts,

one of the major things holding my development as a functional human being back for years has been my inability to forgive myself for perceived pain i’ve caused others.

whether real or imagined, i could never let myself reach that place where i no longer carried the weight of the past.

i told myself that if i were to cross that just-a-bit-too-thick line of forgiveness, i would be somehow dishonoring, disrespecting, or in some other way not appreciating the extent of the pain i had caused them, that i deserved to be in constant torment for something i had done or at very least something for which i’d been blamed.

i’m not absolutely certain how to let go of all those feelings right now; their roots are still burried too deep, clinging onto the bones of my personality.

however, i have been here long enough to know that no one is helped by my feelings of self-loathing, and that neither redemption, reconciliation, or reformation are found in torturous punishment.

taking responsibility for my actions and learning to let go of responsibility for those things outside of my control are the only ways that i can begin my part in making good out of the bad.

when it comes to people, it’s always more complicated than good and evil, because when it comes to good and evil, it’s never going to be enough.

yours,
odist