dear internauts,
one of the major things holding my development as a functional human being back for years has been my inability to forgive myself for perceived pain i’ve caused others.
whether real or imagined, i could never let myself reach that place where i no longer carried the weight of the past.
i told myself that if i were to cross that just-a-bit-too-thick line of forgiveness, i would be somehow dishonoring, disrespecting, or in some other way not appreciating the extent of the pain i had caused them, that i deserved to be in constant torment for something i had done or at very least something for which i’d been blamed.
i’m not absolutely certain how to let go of all those feelings right now; their roots are still burried too deep, clinging onto the bones of my personality.
however, i have been here long enough to know that no one is helped by my feelings of self-loathing, and that neither redemption, reconciliation, or reformation are found in torturous punishment.
taking responsibility for my actions and learning to let go of responsibility for those things outside of my control are the only ways that i can begin my part in making good out of the bad.
when it comes to people, it’s always more complicated than good and evil, because when it comes to good and evil, it’s never going to be enough.
yours,
odist
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