Contentment is Complacency

For all those who want to be a good person and yet feel hindered in their goal by their race, their gender, their sexuality, or whatever it may be that makes you think "but I'm not like that" in your head. I get it, I do.

Damn if I haven't gotten so angry for feeling like someone who doesn't even know me is using the supposedly safe space of their blog to express their pain and frustration in the general direction of folks who are like me in some generalized category.

Damn if I haven't wanted to give them a piece of my mind about how I may be privileged, sure, but I'm not like those other folks who've done all those bad things.

Damn if I haven't felt so worthless, like I was born a villain in some people's eyes and they'll always see me as bad all the while ignoring how other folks with the same characteristics being judged were doing and saying such horrible things that I myself kinda got used to it.

Damn if I haven't allowed it to happen and said nothing, done nothing.

Damn if I'm not confused more than half the time about what's okay to say or what topics it's helpful for me to comment on or if I should just listen or leave the space entirely or speak up or stand together or apart.

Damn if I know what an ally really is.

Damn if I'm even sure who I am or what the point is of all these boxes I create in my own head to judge other folks besides the ones society perpetuates with or without me.

Damn if I've done enough to really challenge my own thinking before I jump to argue with someone else.

Damn if I haven't poured salt on the wounds of so many hurting souls while nursing my own wounds and crying victim at the same time.

Damn if we're all not broken, bewildered hypocrites.

Damn if I'm not the worst.

I don't want to lash out at that which makes me uncomfortable anymore. Comfort hasn't taught me anything but how to be complacent, unthinking, and selfish. I want to learn from the new, the unusual, the different. If something is different from my experience, I want to be able to recognize that it's maybe completely normal for someone else. I want to learn from those who can teach me instead of just gobbling up the same old bullshit that led me to be so damn stubborn in my prejudice.

Damn if I don't want to be more of a loving, open-minded, hopeful, just human being.

This means that I want to say sorry. No disclaimers or qualifiers here about what I have or haven't done or how not all of us are like that or whatever. I'm simply sorry. I want to be different, but a sick person doesn't become well simply by pretending like they don't really need medicine. In the case of my prejudice and my bigotry, it's probably more a case of rebreaking and setting old injuries. I've healed wrong. I've been hurt and sought revenge on the wrong target. This has nothing to do with vengeance. This is about justice, and damn if that doesn't start in my own heart and mind. I'm so sorry.

Damn if I haven't been racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist, classist, and countless other forms of prejudicial bitterness that has so much more to do with me and my issues than with any other one of us seven billion plus beautifully complex people.

Damn if I ever give up on you.

Damn if I ever give up. Thank you for your patience and love through which I have grown. Thank you for your hate and frustration through which I have also grown.

Damn if it's not hard to live with myself most days.

Damn if I ever want to live the same tomorrow as I was yesterday.
 
Damn if I'm not trying to do this, but I know we all are in our own ways.

I'm sorry. Thank you. I forgive you. I love you.

But let's not stop here, okay?

Let's tear down some fucking walls, because...

well

Damn.