The Unrequited Shove

Hey there, Internauts!

Just got back from a really cool show, opening for Whitney McCombs. Always a true honor and pleasure to see her perform live. Kasey Williams accompanied her on guitar, bringing a whole new level to the game. There will potentially be some audio and/or video stuff from that show coming soonish, but first I'd like to write about something that's been on my mind lately...

Here's the thing, bro. You think you're mad at her. You think you're upset because she chose some guy she just met over you, her friend of however long. You think that what really pisses you off is her decisions and how they've affected your life from what you hoped it would be.



But you're not mad at her. Not really.



Truth is you're mad at yourself, but it's way easier to direct that negativity at her. You've been taught how to treat women like shit your whole life. You're confusing yourself, lying to yourself, and in this way becoming just another guy treating a woman like shit. Stop it.

JUST STOP.

Breathe.

Remove yourself from the immediate situation—whether that be physically leaving the room or maybe just logging off the social media.

Think about why you're really mad.

Perhaps you feel it took a lot of bravery to confess your feelings, and your expectation of reward led to disappointment.

Perhaps you see your friend’s response as somehow a rejection of you as a person, instead of simply a reasonable response to a difference in attraction.

Perhaps you feel led on for some reason, or that you’ve worked hard to earn some kind of favorable response.

Well, as for that last one: NO. She doesn’t owe you anything. If she’s really your friend, then she gave you the best thing a friend can give, her honesty. Whether she let you down easy or quick and fierce like ripping off a band-aid, her reasons are her own for why she felt that was the best response to what will always be a difficult and uncomfortable situation. She owes you no response, whether physical or emotional or otherwise, that was somehow earned by your friendship. Friendship isn’t about capital. It’s about caring.

For the second case, no one can decide for you how you see yourself. You are a person. You have worth and life and plenty of uniquely attractive features to your complex self. None of this was being brought into question by your female friend telling you she doesn’t want to date you. I repeat, your worth as a human being has nothing to do with who does or doesn’t want to be your significant other.

I know it can feel like you just risked everything for the sake of these grand emotions. Honesty is always brave, definitely. Keep in mind, though, that your part was solely to share how you felt. Her response is not in your control nor should she be held responsible if it doesn’t match with your expectations. You are two separate people. Emotions don’t always match up. Just as said previously, there’s nothing you can do to place another person in relationship debt to you.

If all you wanted was a dating relationship, then it probably wasn’t the greatest friendship anyway.

Move along.

However, if you really do care for this person, then you’ve just survived one of life’s more awkward conversations and can go back to being friends. This may take a while, as your heart may need time to heal. You may have to separate yourself so you can get over these feelings. Ultimately, your friends with this person because of all these great things about them anyway, so it’s okay to still think highly of them. The key is releasing pressure on all sides.

No one should feel pressured to be in a relationship with anyone else. Nothing healthy will come from that.

You are not worth any less as a person because someone else doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.

It may take longer than you’d hope, but feelings can change. It’s better to have saved a friendship, than to have lost both a friendship and a relationship that was never gonna work anyway. Do what you need to so you can heal and accept your friend’s decision. In growing to respect how they feel, you’ll be growing as a person, too.

Remember, no one owes you their love, their body, their time, their attention, etc...

The only one you can decide for is you.

It’s gonna be okay.

Breathe.

Step away.

Think.

And don’t blame others when you’re really mad at yourself.

(Obviously, every individual situation will be different, but what this really comes down to is respect. Respect for another person enough to consider her feelings and not hold her to unreasonable expectations. Respect for yourself enough not to base your worth off who does or doesn’t want to make out with you or marry you.)

It’s gonna be okay.

[Note: A lot of the above language fits into a stereotypically heteronormative situation of a male  reacting to a female reacting to the male. The advice can certainly be applied to many relationship situations, no matter the gender constraints. However, this choice of language was due to the disproportionate number of males who have decided to ostracize, abuse, and even in some cases violently murder females in the name of what said males thought they deserved. A better world is possible, but it starts with respect.]