"Real Men"

 Dear Internauts,

I don't know what it's like to be a female and to face the kind of sexist horror that females face on the daily. I feel like the most I can do is be supportive, try to learn and grow and change my way of thinking, and to call out other males being a-holes so we can all grow and change for the better.

My whole life I've been told that what makes a "real man" is a set of attributes that could also describe an old tree, or a bear, or a member of the Round Table of Camelot. The strength of both body, mind, and character required to live up to manhood standards varied widely depending on who was giving the lecture and in most cases seemed to have something to do with that guy's own deep insecurities.

Sometimes it was about taking care of the family.
Sometimes it was about hating the Yankees.
Sometimes it was about wearing boxers instead of briefs.

But the idea that there is a separation between a biological maleness and a cultural maleness, and that the accomplishment of the latter as a kind of more sincere maturity, brings to fruition some secret goal of the former into capital M Man is dangerously pervasive in the way we raise not only young boys but all children. What makes a man a man?

Appealing to this competition based quest for identity and belonging may suit some marketers, but as has been pointed out by many smart bloggers on here, actual "REAL" men commit hate crimes, against women, minorities, children, and other men. Therefore should the idea for fighting abuse that "real men don't _____" be abolished as a slogan? Or perhaps is there some underlying psychology that can reveal a way to reach young men before they follow in the violent footsteps of their predecessors?

As boys we are told that real men, manly men, true men, whatever... are leaders. That's fine and all, but when specified, leadership is taught as taking control from others, maintaining a strong stance of power over others, and shutting down others' attempts to gain any control or power in their lives.

Not only is there an always present paranoia that one might disappoint male authority figures but that, as men, we must fight them for power and do whatever it takes to hold onto that power once we have it.

One way to interrupt this cycle is through example. Kids need not only female and male authority figures in their life to be open and honest with them from a place of equality but also to be allowed the same opportunities and responsibilities, with no arbitrary limitations set up simply because of socially inflicted gender norms.

It is my strongly held belief that if children are raised up from a place of equality, both in how they are treated and how their examples of appropriate adulthood treat one another, than they will mature along those lines. If however, girls and boys are told that the "real" version of their adult self must hold to some superficial and harmful standard of behavior, ability, or appearance, than the current cycles of violent oppression will continue.

Start from equality. Exemplify positive interaction. Grow in individuality as well as honest community. And of course remember that life is messy and complicated. There are no easy answers.

The problem, however, is obvious. Men must stop committing violent acts. “Violence is the behavior of someone incapable of imagining other solutions to the problem at hand" (Vincenc Fisas).

Yes, it comes down to power, which means it comes down to the fear of losing power, which means it comes down to thinking that a man's identity is founded upon power.
The ultimate fear is being no one, losing self. So we must stop teaching boys that maleness equals power. We must stop equating competition over power to an unequal gender system and instead recognize how such an infrastructure has devastated our species for far too long.

Women deserve better, so much better. Little boys deserve better than to have their biggest examples be violent, weapon-baring, greedy, narcissists. Little girls deserve better than to be told they must live to please such villains.

That's all I've got for now...what are your thoughts?