It's finally snowing and thus the birds are finally coming to the porch for seed. I like to fill the feeder but also toss seed out all over the porch for even the birds who can't fight for it. Because I'm a dirty commie. And because birds.
Anyways, whilst engaged in some sisyphean snow-shoveling, I listened to one of my favorite albums, CITIES by ANBERLIN. Other than that being an amazing work of artistic wonder, I thought I should mention music once in a while, this being a music blog or whatever.
The distraction of music made the work of shoving crystalized water that much more bearable. I'm out of shape. Despite random bursts of energy/motivation that only make the rest of the time more strange, I've spent most of my time with PTSD struggling to find the motivation or energy to do much of anything.
When faced with trauma, the brain goes through physical change. I've heard stories of folks who've experienced cranial damage and in the process of recovering lost the use of senses or even expressed aspects of their personalities in vastly new ways. Supposedly, we find jokes pleasurable because of the endorphins released through the sudden development of new neural pathways; the setup is something relatable to hook the audience, but then the punch-line throws something new at your consciousness. I would guess something similar happens during extreme sports, specifically those with the potential of fatality. Forcing yourself into a survival-instinct situation, running to that edge then bouncing back, well, has to be quite a trip for your brain juices.
Note: "brain juices" is a technical term. I know this because I'm a drop-out former psych major.
Note: "brain juices" is a technical term. I know this because I'm a drop-out former psych major.
On this topic, I recently dropped another ramble of an answer on Quora on this topic.
The Question:
_______________
See ya later,
O.A.
The Question:
With therapy and medication, I'm still not sure what "getting better" would actually entail, but looking back over the years I know I'm not the same person I was right after the trauma or when it got really horrible months later.
There are days when I can hardly move and days when I feel like I could do anything.
There are days I can make plans and others where I have to cancel everything for a week.
There are days when I feel healthy and others where I'm definitely not.
I still haven't been able to get a job, and it's still terrifying when I try.
It's hard not to beat myself up about not being as healthy or productive or social as I think I should, and it frustrates me when my doctor says I'm doing so well. I can't explain how bad I feel most of the time, and the only one who still listens is my therapist anyway.
Even with nightmares every single time I can actually sleep, I still have to try and get some sleep. There's a lot of forcing myself to get out of bed, get dressed, get showered, eat something, even breathe. I've found so many times that I'm panicking I've just spent a minute or more holding my breath. There are not a whole lot of people who can understand how hard it is to do even the most basic of tasks, and I've lost most of my friends as it was all a bit much for folks to handle.
Maybe all this doesn't seem like truly functioning, but it does come down to taking medication and talking to a therapist.
It's important to remember that this is a medical problem. Without being disrespectful to those dealing with physical diseases and/or disorders, it has helped me to remember the times I've broken bones or had surgeries in that it takes time to heal. Beating myself up for not being where I want to be by now is a regular struggle, but I'm allowed to take the time I need. I'm really lucky to have family support and limited responsibilities, but having talked to folks who still have to force themselves to work every day or take care of their family, it is still important to allow yourself to take the time you need to heal. Whether that's just the free moments you can find to focus on self care or a break from your schedule for a while, it is perfectly okay and reasonable and allowed for you to take your time.
Most of any kind of functioning is based in acknowledging what I'm good with and what I'm not. We put up with a lot of pressure from others or ourselves that we don't have to, so adding that onto the anxiety of living with PTSD only makes it harder. If you gotta leave the room and take a walk, it's okay. If you gotta cancel plans, it's okay. If you gotta allow some others to take on tasks you'd normally handle all by yourself, it's okay.
And no matter how much it feels like it, I just try to breathe and remind myself that the past is over.
Maybe all this doesn't seem like truly functioning, but it does come down to taking medication and talking to a therapist.
It's important to remember that this is a medical problem. Without being disrespectful to those dealing with physical diseases and/or disorders, it has helped me to remember the times I've broken bones or had surgeries in that it takes time to heal. Beating myself up for not being where I want to be by now is a regular struggle, but I'm allowed to take the time I need. I'm really lucky to have family support and limited responsibilities, but having talked to folks who still have to force themselves to work every day or take care of their family, it is still important to allow yourself to take the time you need to heal. Whether that's just the free moments you can find to focus on self care or a break from your schedule for a while, it is perfectly okay and reasonable and allowed for you to take your time.
Most of any kind of functioning is based in acknowledging what I'm good with and what I'm not. We put up with a lot of pressure from others or ourselves that we don't have to, so adding that onto the anxiety of living with PTSD only makes it harder. If you gotta leave the room and take a walk, it's okay. If you gotta cancel plans, it's okay. If you gotta allow some others to take on tasks you'd normally handle all by yourself, it's okay.
And no matter how much it feels like it, I just try to breathe and remind myself that the past is over.
See ya later,
O.A.
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